The greater part of my life has revolved around my eating disorder, and all of its related tentacles. It’s had ample time to boil, overflow, and distill itself into the core of who I am over the years. And as such, I embraced it, and allowed it to become my closest confidante. I welcomed it, let it take over me, my relationships, and garnish all of my worth in the process.
The last few years I spent deeply entrenched in its grip, having rediscovered its ability to help me cope through difficult circumstances. During that time, I started this blog, as a way to sort out my thoughts, and otherwise ask for help from strangers out of thin air. Through it, I unexpectedly met some of the most important people in my life. People who took the time to read, to offer support, to lend an ear, and to pen an encouraging note here and there. People who had never met me, but were somehow moved to extend their love and concern to my suffering soul.
And now, I have started over again. Everything in my life has been broken down, ripped apart, and torn away, leaving me with nothing but a foundation to build upon. I have decided: no more pills, no more drinking to numb away the pain, no more cheating at eating. No more hiding behind a carefully built world of deceit. No more lies to survive. And as such, I cannot make my eating disorder my focus any longer. I do not wish to talk about it anymore. Maybe at some point, I will. Maybe I will find myself with an opportunity to encourage another that it is possible; that it does not have to rule your every thought. But I do not want to give it such an important place in my life. It’s had its glory day. I gave it almost everything I had.
No more.
Thank you, for being there for me. For sharing your life. You may never fully understand the worth of your words, or your selfless act of reading mine. I wish all of you a real recovery, where your days are not weighed by tangible measurements. Freedom never has been cheap. But there is nothing in the world that satisfies like it does.
Much love & humble gratitude,
e
2.05.2010
1.16.2010
Big Box Dreams
This morning I tagged alongside my parents as they checked out the newest store in their small town mall. It was one of those oversized home goods places, where everything is priced 50% higher than it should be and to compensate you get a 20% off coupon in the mail every week. I dread those places. With a passion.
It was while wandering aisles of "As Seen on TV" gadgets, Bumpits, & towel warmers that I came to realize just how much my views on the American dream have changed recently. I have almost no desire to decorate a home. To paint the walls bright yellow, green and orange. To make a place my own. However, I can hardly WAIT to have my own kitchen again. I could have a 3 room home: Bedroom, bathroom, & kitchen - and be happy. But taking in all of the things on display in their bright shiny packages reminded me of being at the zoo. They just made me feel sad.
The clearance rack beckoned, so I heeded the call and took a peek. A pepper grinder 50% off because it didn't grind. A broken coffee maker, and a few odds and ends. My eyes scanned the items, then fell upon a scale, marked 50% off. I squinted to read, "customer dissatisfied" as the reason for return; I smiled to myself. *no kidding*
I guess what bothers me so much about those places, is their tendency to create uncesseary needs. And chasing the carrot is a tiresome business, albeit a profitable one for he who holds the stick. Reminds me of the number in my mind at which I will lean back in satisfaction and say myself, "Great goin', e. You finally made it! You can stop now".
A friend used my own logic against me last night, when pointing out that I had put an incredible effort into my ed. "I know you have the desire to accomplish something - that is evident. You just need to keep it moving in the right direction".
Therein lies a beautiful secret: recovery never leaves me with an empty feeling. I am not continually grasping for that which eludes me. Rather, I am gathering the pieces of my life, and knitting them together with hope. I am not looking for a set number, or destination; I know I may never rid myself of the scars left behind in the wreckage. Instead, I am treasuring the journey. I know the value of a day: an hour, a choice made this minute, and the worth of tomorrow's offering.
I am looking forward to being in my own place again soon. But I am patiently waiting until certain things are ready and in place.
My little abode will be humble, but my heart will fill it completely.
It was while wandering aisles of "As Seen on TV" gadgets, Bumpits, & towel warmers that I came to realize just how much my views on the American dream have changed recently. I have almost no desire to decorate a home. To paint the walls bright yellow, green and orange. To make a place my own. However, I can hardly WAIT to have my own kitchen again. I could have a 3 room home: Bedroom, bathroom, & kitchen - and be happy. But taking in all of the things on display in their bright shiny packages reminded me of being at the zoo. They just made me feel sad.
The clearance rack beckoned, so I heeded the call and took a peek. A pepper grinder 50% off because it didn't grind. A broken coffee maker, and a few odds and ends. My eyes scanned the items, then fell upon a scale, marked 50% off. I squinted to read, "customer dissatisfied" as the reason for return; I smiled to myself. *no kidding*
I guess what bothers me so much about those places, is their tendency to create uncesseary needs. And chasing the carrot is a tiresome business, albeit a profitable one for he who holds the stick. Reminds me of the number in my mind at which I will lean back in satisfaction and say myself, "Great goin', e. You finally made it! You can stop now".
A friend used my own logic against me last night, when pointing out that I had put an incredible effort into my ed. "I know you have the desire to accomplish something - that is evident. You just need to keep it moving in the right direction".
Therein lies a beautiful secret: recovery never leaves me with an empty feeling. I am not continually grasping for that which eludes me. Rather, I am gathering the pieces of my life, and knitting them together with hope. I am not looking for a set number, or destination; I know I may never rid myself of the scars left behind in the wreckage. Instead, I am treasuring the journey. I know the value of a day: an hour, a choice made this minute, and the worth of tomorrow's offering.
I am looking forward to being in my own place again soon. But I am patiently waiting until certain things are ready and in place.
My little abode will be humble, but my heart will fill it completely.
1.14.2010
1.10.2010
Through the Day
I wonder if people who are prone to depression & anxiety find that it increases with age. Since I have allowed my celexa & klonopin prescriptions to go defunct, I've been wrestling this demon within myself. I start to wonder if they really did make me feel better. There were definately times that I thought so. Maybe not so much better, but at least more stable.
What eats at me now is the extreme range of emotions I combat each day. I can wake up on top of the world, only to find myself buried under the weight of unrelenting self-loathing a few hours later. I am so sensitive to the way others treat me that it's actually quite crippling. My feelings about my self are influenced by the way others talk to me & about me. I need to somehow correct this, because it is becoming very damaging to my mental health.
Lately, I've found myself somewhere between teetering on the brink of new personal lows, and managing to keep my limbs treading in murky water. Both are exhausting me, and I need a rest. I try not to think of my circumstances...and instead focus on the possiblities wrapped up in tomorrow. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. But a person who tries is never a failure, in my eyes.
Small victories count, too. Something to remember each step of the way. Each fall, and each stumble, means that at least you are trying.
What eats at me now is the extreme range of emotions I combat each day. I can wake up on top of the world, only to find myself buried under the weight of unrelenting self-loathing a few hours later. I am so sensitive to the way others treat me that it's actually quite crippling. My feelings about my self are influenced by the way others talk to me & about me. I need to somehow correct this, because it is becoming very damaging to my mental health.
Lately, I've found myself somewhere between teetering on the brink of new personal lows, and managing to keep my limbs treading in murky water. Both are exhausting me, and I need a rest. I try not to think of my circumstances...and instead focus on the possiblities wrapped up in tomorrow. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. But a person who tries is never a failure, in my eyes.
Small victories count, too. Something to remember each step of the way. Each fall, and each stumble, means that at least you are trying.
1.06.2010
Legacy
Being around family - extended family & their families - in close proximity for a week unveils much about the human spirit. Watching the interactions between mother and child, sister and brother, father and son is a fascinating venture. It also is cause for dissection of priorities. What would I want to pass down? What do I want to omit? And how does this all fit neatly into a positive set of ideals? It's easy to say, "I don't want to do this, I don't want to repeat that, shoot me if I ever do xyz".
I don't want a list of 'Don'ts' to live by. So here are some things that I've found are terribly important to me, and that I want to be known for, and to pass down someday to my own daughter.
1. You are your own measuring stick.
What do you do great, naturally? Born talent is a gift. I love to create things with my hands. Oil painting, making jewelry, drawing, etc. I can spend hours getting lost in these things. I enjoy doing them, and I think I am good at them. My sister - she has five children. And is currently homeschooling three of them. Her talent is her patience, her humor, and her ability to motivate her kids to have the desire to learn. My littlest sis - she's a manager extraordinaire. She can get people to do things they don't want to do at work. With a whistle & a bounce in their step.
We are from the same family, yet drastically different. Our skills & abilities are valued in our own circle, but if we were to be compared to one another on some sort of worldly scale? It would depend who is doing the weighing. My talent could be considered frivolous; a 'waste of time'. My sis could be disdained for giving up a career to be a SAHM.
It is of NO BENEFIT to compare people. To compare myself to others. Someone will always be better at something than me, and I will (hopefully!) be better at something than someone else. But my value does not lie in how well I stack up against the next person.
2. A true lady speaks words that build up and edify another.
We are so accustomed to hearing negative comments, observations, juicy tidbits, etc. about those we know. My favorite is when it's done in the name of 'discussing prayer needs'. The softer your heart, the more likely you are to be sensitive to the words pouring out of your mouth. When I overhear a conversation in which someone is praising or lifting up another to the other party, it restores my faith in humanity.
I am extraordinarily skilled at tearing myself down. I don't need anyone else to do it for me. I am a very private person in real life, and I struggle with sharing certain details for this very reason. I am deeply wounded by slander, whether it's said it to one person or ten. Speak in love, and your words are like fine gold.
3. Love shows no preference for one over another.
I give special props to parents who demonstrate equal love to each of their children. When I think about it, it must be one of the greatest challenges of parenting. We develop friendships with people we like. We have relationships and marry someone who compliments us. On the other hand, in the work environment, we (hopefully) seek to treat our co-workers with equal respect and work alongside them - even when their personalities are just as appealing as sliding down a giant cheese grater.
But in love, no one is greater than another. I must love the easy going person just as much as the type A, AR one. When people seem burdensome to you, just remember: You could be someone else's trial of patience.
Is love a natural part of the human condition, or do we have to work at love? I think the feelings of love can present themselves on their own. But to sustain love, we must dig down to a deeper level, where it becomes a choice of self or the other person's needs.
It's a start!
I don't want a list of 'Don'ts' to live by. So here are some things that I've found are terribly important to me, and that I want to be known for, and to pass down someday to my own daughter.
1. You are your own measuring stick.
What do you do great, naturally? Born talent is a gift. I love to create things with my hands. Oil painting, making jewelry, drawing, etc. I can spend hours getting lost in these things. I enjoy doing them, and I think I am good at them. My sister - she has five children. And is currently homeschooling three of them. Her talent is her patience, her humor, and her ability to motivate her kids to have the desire to learn. My littlest sis - she's a manager extraordinaire. She can get people to do things they don't want to do at work. With a whistle & a bounce in their step.
We are from the same family, yet drastically different. Our skills & abilities are valued in our own circle, but if we were to be compared to one another on some sort of worldly scale? It would depend who is doing the weighing. My talent could be considered frivolous; a 'waste of time'. My sis could be disdained for giving up a career to be a SAHM.
It is of NO BENEFIT to compare people. To compare myself to others. Someone will always be better at something than me, and I will (hopefully!) be better at something than someone else. But my value does not lie in how well I stack up against the next person.
2. A true lady speaks words that build up and edify another.
We are so accustomed to hearing negative comments, observations, juicy tidbits, etc. about those we know. My favorite is when it's done in the name of 'discussing prayer needs'. The softer your heart, the more likely you are to be sensitive to the words pouring out of your mouth. When I overhear a conversation in which someone is praising or lifting up another to the other party, it restores my faith in humanity.
I am extraordinarily skilled at tearing myself down. I don't need anyone else to do it for me. I am a very private person in real life, and I struggle with sharing certain details for this very reason. I am deeply wounded by slander, whether it's said it to one person or ten. Speak in love, and your words are like fine gold.
3. Love shows no preference for one over another.
I give special props to parents who demonstrate equal love to each of their children. When I think about it, it must be one of the greatest challenges of parenting. We develop friendships with people we like. We have relationships and marry someone who compliments us. On the other hand, in the work environment, we (hopefully) seek to treat our co-workers with equal respect and work alongside them - even when their personalities are just as appealing as sliding down a giant cheese grater.
But in love, no one is greater than another. I must love the easy going person just as much as the type A, AR one. When people seem burdensome to you, just remember: You could be someone else's trial of patience.
Is love a natural part of the human condition, or do we have to work at love? I think the feelings of love can present themselves on their own. But to sustain love, we must dig down to a deeper level, where it becomes a choice of self or the other person's needs.
It's a start!
1.05.2010
New Year's! (It's my lucky day...)
Today was an unexpectedly good day. I woke up after 8-1/2 hours of travel and 4 hours sleep to have a bundle of unbridled energy - which I immediately put to good use. And after running errands, arrived home to find a FedEx package had arrived pour moi. With this little gem tucked inside. A giveaway from Vogue magazine that I had completely forgotten about a couple of months ago. Yay for me! It's a sterling silver pendant that says, "heart" on one side and "mtima" on the other. It's for a non-profit (Raising Malawi). Anyways, I was just excited to have won something :)Since I'm sure everyone is curious how my North Dakotan New Year's adventure went...I'll spare the details and provide a picture narrative. It was a pretty stressful trip for me; and I just don't deal with it well anymore. It doesn't take much to send me over the edge. So it was much to my delight that a few family members felt the need to tell me 'how much I've aged' and that I 'looked much older than my actual age'. My Mom, bless her heart, assured me that it's just the new scars that have changed the terrain of my visage so drastically.
Thankfully, I have been developing the muscles inside my brain that shut off when I hear these sorts of things. Wow. I'll have another slice of humble pie, please!
However...there were some veritable highlights to my trip. One of which was not catching sight of the makeup tool kit used on my deceased Grandmother's face. Er, no - that was a bit...awkward. I took a picture, but I can't bring myself to share it. I don't know what's worse: my fascination with it, or the fact it was so nonchalantly displayed.
There were ice crystals in the air that caused a massive ray of light to shine directly vertical up to the sky and down to the ground, radiating from the sun. It was one of the most beautiful sunsets that I have ever seen.
Er, bad photo. But AWESOME snowflakes. Why on earth are no two snowflakes alike? Simply for us to marvel at His greatness.
Peeking into my Aunt & Uncle's backyard. They live 8 miles from the canadian border. My uncle made me fresh squeezed grapefruit juice for breakfast...so delicious.
Um, yeah. It was cold.
My 6 yo niece & I. There are a whole slew of pictures like this. She makes my heart smile.
My newest niece - 6 weeks old. She fit perfectly in my arms. My Mommy instinct kicked in. I was in heaven.
There was a 'blue moon' on New Year's Eve night. Nice little useless fact if you're into those sorts of things. Oh, and it was the last day of the decade. Annoying if it's a quasi-rare phenomenon that causes ALL the newspapers to be sold out in a tiny little rural town the day your Grandmpther's obit is published. My little sis & I had offered to go pic up ten copies for the family. Two Starbucks, 1 bathroom break, 6 stops, and an hour and 1/2 later, we had procured said items. Life's about the journey, yes indeed.
The Scandanavian House, where the annual Norsk Hostfest is held. My grandparents would dress in traditional Norwegian garb, and spend a few days entertaining tourists and locals alike along with other Norsk folks. My Grandma would bring her lefse to sell. Oh, how I miss that treat!
This is what greeted us at the airport. Yup. They had a good old-fashioned snowstorm.And I?
I had something similar going on. I'll write more later. Still processing & need to gather my thoughts. But my mind has definately been stretched over the last couple of weeks.
12.29.2009
On the Road Again
I've checked the weather in ND. The high will be 9 degrees tomorrow. I've got my outfit planned for the plane ride. It includes, but is not limited to, the following articles of clothing:
1. Tissue weight henley
2. Wool sweater
3. Long wrap sweater
4. Camel hair coat
5. Velour pants
6. Wool socks
7. Shearling boots
8. Scarf
9. Cashmere cap
10.Suede gloves
And I still think I won't be warm enough. So I'm carrying a 3rd sweater, just in case.
I've got alot of mixed feelings about this trip. I'm stressed. Out. Completely. I'm excited to meet my new niece. I'm a little nervous about doing this sans benzos. My lung does not agree with long periods of being seated. I'm anxious to see and to help comfort my Grandfather. And of course, as is with any family gathering, whether to celebrate life or grieve death, food will be front & center stage.
But I'm ok with that. My new RD, although a bit scatterbrained, was helpful in pointing out the obvious. Things I can improve on, and habits I can keep rolling forward. My focus is to not focus on my fear of food, but rather confront my fear of others. In other words, my fear of my feelings toward in in reaction to those around me. My coping skills as of late are prettynon-existentlame.
And so it will be a New Years of quiet reflection for me. Perhaps a funeral is the most appropriate way to spend New Year's Day. A new beginning: freedom from the things which bind the brokenhearted. I will be celebrating, in my own way. And I'm not afraid of what's ahead.
Cheers!
1. Tissue weight henley
2. Wool sweater
3. Long wrap sweater
4. Camel hair coat
5. Velour pants
6. Wool socks
7. Shearling boots
8. Scarf
9. Cashmere cap
10.Suede gloves
And I still think I won't be warm enough. So I'm carrying a 3rd sweater, just in case.
I've got alot of mixed feelings about this trip. I'm stressed. Out. Completely. I'm excited to meet my new niece. I'm a little nervous about doing this sans benzos. My lung does not agree with long periods of being seated. I'm anxious to see and to help comfort my Grandfather. And of course, as is with any family gathering, whether to celebrate life or grieve death, food will be front & center stage.
But I'm ok with that. My new RD, although a bit scatterbrained, was helpful in pointing out the obvious. Things I can improve on, and habits I can keep rolling forward. My focus is to not focus on my fear of food, but rather confront my fear of others. In other words, my fear of my feelings toward in in reaction to those around me. My coping skills as of late are pretty
And so it will be a New Years of quiet reflection for me. Perhaps a funeral is the most appropriate way to spend New Year's Day. A new beginning: freedom from the things which bind the brokenhearted. I will be celebrating, in my own way. And I'm not afraid of what's ahead.
Cheers!
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